Relationships · Social Life

Day 71 – To The Boy Who Loved Me

I was watching this Buzzfeed video the other day…

…and I was trying to decide which one/ones I was.

Then I decided, I didn’t know which ones I was, but I did know which ones I was told I was.

So here’s to the boy who loved me…

Hey You,

Thanks to you, I feel put into a box, just like the video above. I’ve been told I was a “Monday” through “Saturday”… but I was never “Sunday” to you.

Thanks to you, I feel evaluated for my assets, instead of enjoyed.

Thanks to you, I saw more of the world, yet now those parts of the world hold memories of more places that I can no longer go to or think about without a piece of you tagging along.

Thanks to you, I have learned the power of forgiveness.

Thanks to you, I have learned what it feels like to be loved conditionally and how crucial it is to truly love unconditionally.

Thanks to you, I survived a few hellish years of life.

Thanks to you, I’ve decided a nice mother-in-law is a deal breaker!

Thanks to you, I am now eternally grateful for the family I come from.

Thanks to you, I am now learning who I am and what makes my heart beat, because when I was with you, the desire to love life was sucked out of me.

Thanks to you, I now know that my “list” of what I need in a husband is much less detailed than I once thought, yet the deal breaker issues are more solidified than ever.

Thanks to you, much of my childhood baggage is unpacked, yet now I have new layers of baggage to unpack before I can ever love another man again.

Thanks to you, I have learned the importance of having my whole identity in Christ.

Thanks to you, I have learned the value of good girl friends.

Thanks to you, my garden looks better.

Thanks to you, the trampoline in my back yard has a dent in it. A dent that will remind me that there were times we laughed till we were out of oxygen… even though those moments were few and far between.

Thanks to you, the electrical additions to the house work!

Thanks to you, the flowerbed out front is planted and those same flowers remind me every day as I walk past them that a part of my heart will always have you in it.

Thanks to you, I’m afraid I will never forget you.

Thanks to you, I feel like damaged goods for anyone else who might come along wanting my heart.

Thanks to you, I am thankful my father was present in my life, as you displayed daily the deep hurt that comes to a boy when his father has never been present.

Thanks to you, I’m following my dreams, because I’m watching you follow what people always told you that you would be… and it’s truly sad to watch.

Thanks to you, my little brother wonders where you are and why you’ve left him… and I have to try and explain to him, every time he asks, that sometimes people don’t stick around. That sometimes things don’t work out. And I hate that chat, because I want him to know that anything meaningful is worth fighting for. But it takes two to fight well, and you clearly didn’t see me as worth fighting for.

Thanks to you, thoughts circle through my head of what I could have done better to keep you around, even though I have learned that if you truly loved me, I wouldn’t have had to try to keep you around, that you would have wanted the relationship too.

Thanks to you, I’m seeing first hand why it’s important to have passions in life, to pursue a calling, to care about something enough to stick with it… because you did none of those, and your bland life is showing it.

Thanks to you, I feel like I will never be enough.

Thanks to you, I have learned how much my words can hurt others and to choose to encourage whenever possible.

Thanks to you, I’ve begun to learn people’s stories, because there is always more than what meets the eye… because that’s something your family never did for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that you do marry the whole family, not just an individual.

Thanks to you, I can actually say thank you to you. Because now I know that all of the lessons you taught me have made me into the person I am today.

I hope you learned a few things from me as well.

I hope that some day you find what truly makes your heart tick in life.

I hope that some day you know what it looks like to love unconditionally.

I hope that some day we can both look back on our 4.5 years of dating and see the lessons we learned, over the hurt it caused.

I hope that some day you discover who you are and have a passion for the life you live.

I hope you find your “Sunday”.

Sincerely,

Me

Day 71

 

 

 

 

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