Today I walked out of church.
Today I felt like my issues were too much.
Today I felt like my “happy” station wasn’t working.
Today the pastor spoke on prayer and worship and all I could think of was the amount that I didn’t feel like worshiping or praying today.
All I could think of was how sometimes worship can be tears. Sometimes worship is raw and full of yelling, because it’s still coming to God with honesty. It’s giving the gift of our hearts that no one else sees.
So today I walked out of church.
Today I withstood the stares of people who are clearly judging me for leaving early.
Because I had enough.
The Bible calls life a battle, and yet church doesn’t seem to want to touch on that. It wants to touch on life being happy and “blessed”.
Today I watched a mom pretty much blatantly abuse her children in front of people and no one said or did a thing. No one asked her what was wrong. No one gave her a hug. No one wondered where the pain was coming from that she was clearly taking out on her children.
From an outsider’s point of view it felt as if they didn’t even care.
My best friend likes to say that, “People just need more hugs!” I totally agree.
People need more genuine love in general, regardless of how it comes.
So today I couldn’t take another minute. Today I walked out.
I don’t have any desire to go back… and that is the saddest part of all!
God designed churches to be like a family. Everyone has a place, they fit, they are valued, unconditionally loved, and irreplaceable.
Well today I didn’t feel that. I didn’t feel respected or valued, as a part of the church.
I like loving people and being loved, and I’ve just didn’t feel that.
How sad is that! The very place where love and respect is suppose to be at it’s highest, it is the very place it is, much of the time, basically non existent.
Do I hate God and want nothing to do with him? No.
But I am very much questioning how effective the way we do this whole “church” thing is.
I know why people leave the church, I totally get it. But if we did church well, it could be really good. It could be a loving family with all of it’s messy bits.
However, in order for that to happen…The church leaders have to choose to love over sticking to legalistic garbage, humility over being right, grace over judgement, and ultimately valuing each and every person over analyzing their value to the church.
So next time you walk out of church, know you are not alone.
If it’s been a while since you’ve been to church, I get it.
Finally, if you ever go back… remember they’re not mad of frustrated with you. They are frustrated at themselves. You’re just a really handy target.
I hope that one day church can be a place of where we can all bring our broken, messy, bits and find unconditional love and a place to fit.
So that’s why I walked out of church, faced the stares, and wrote this.